GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY: Hammer Time!

It’s Hammer-time baby!

Two weeks ago we looked at the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity …

… to accept the things that I cannot change
… the courage to change the things that I can
… and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have learned of the amazing wisdom behind those words. The point is that we have the ability to control the change process within us; in other words, our inner reaction to change. This concept keeps getting retaught in new and refreshing ways. For example, in the movie Black Hat (which, by the way, your Mom and I really enjoyed), Chris Hemsworth’s character had a line:  “I’m doing the time; the time’s not doing me.”  Some critics panned the movie and pointed to lines like this as being cheesy or less clever than they were trying to be. I disagreed with the critics (well, except for the lack of closure part at the end). The point that the antihero was making is that a prison cell can be a crucible of positive transformation … IF ... you take charge and decide that you are doing your own time, not theirs. He did that and used that time to transform his mind and body.

One of the points I teach in my coaching and training is that when it comes to the change process within ourselves, we can be either a hammer or a nail. We can author our own reactions (by being a hammer) or we can be victims to whatever life dishes up (by being a nail). Our hacker-hero (played by no less than Thor himself – the God with a hammer) chose to be a hammer rather than a nail. This is a righteous and noble principle. Be a hammer, not a nail. Hammers build things. Nails just get hammered. (aside - I guess the movie critics must be nails inside themselves because it seems that they can only feel in control when they hammer everyone else’s work).

My point? If you choose to use ALL of your circumstances as positive change-agents in your life, then you are a hammer. If you simply let ALL of your circumstances crush and defeat you, then you are a nail. My advice: Always Be a Hammer! 

Why? 

That’s really the point about this post … why being a hammer is a superior attitude for life. 

Hammers are people who proactively take charge of their mind and emotions, using them either to dictate their circumstances or to control their reactions to uncontrollable circumstances. They are tactical in using their natural fight and flight responses to their advantage. On the flip-side, Nails are people who react to life and let it control their mind and emotions, and are controlled by their circumstances. They use their natural fight and flight responses inappropriately, usually to their detriment.

OK, I’m clearly being reductionistic here because you can never break people into two cleanly divided groups … people usually fall along a spectrum. What I’m describing are the polar opposites in this spectrum. Let me continue then with an idealistic description of these polar opposites by giving them names;

Nails are the pessimists. Hammers are the optimists. 

And their orientation or temperament on this particular spectrum really comes down to whether or not they feel they have control … or even a sense of control. For the most part, pessimists believe they have no control … optimists believe they do. And here’s the kicker … the control doesn’t even have to be real … it’s completely about the perception of control.

To keep this post from being 100 pages (because there is soooooooooo much I want to say on all this), let me zoom down to a very narrow aspect of all of it: optimism vs pessimism.

Optimism and Pessimism

Optimism, and its counterpart, pessimism, are attitudes of interpretation. Optimism could be defined as “a disposition or tendency to look on the more favourable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favourable outcome.” Pessimists look on the less favourable side of things and tend to expect the least favourable outcome. Pessimists defend their attitude as being more “realistic,” while optimists believe in the value of being hopeful. The traditional metaphor for characterizing the difference between the two is a glass that holds half its capacity of water; optimists interpret the glass as half-full, pessimists interpret it as half-empty. Of course, neither are right or wrong. Similarly, an optimistic perspective isn’t any more truthful than a pessimistic one. So why does the attitude matter?

Pessimism is the Safe Bet

Pessimists are oriented towards an expectation of failure which aids them in protecting themselves from disappointment. They manage their expectations in a mitigative manner by lowering their expectations of almost everything. If truth be told, it is easy to be negative, whereas, optimism requires courage because we all face challenges, obstacles, and setbacks along the way. Plus, the ever hopeful attitude of optimists is often a naïve Pollyanna perspective that blinds itself to reality and sets them up for disappointment. Therefore, pessimism seems like a safer emotional bet. In fact, humans are wired so that pessimism is the default attitude when optimism isn’t intentionally chosen. On the surface this seems like a good strategy for managing expectations.

But this strategy, conscious or not, comes with a greater cost than benefit. Think about it. You know how it feels to be around a relentlessly pessimistic person; they radiate negative energy and you don’t want to be around them (and neither does anyone else). That alone might seem like a sufficient reason to choose to be optimistic, but there is an even better reason; your performance in life is greatly dictated by whether you are an optimist or a pessimist … and performance is greatly enhanced by optimism.

Optimism is the Smart Bet

It has been proven that optimists have an orientation towards an expectation of success … a preferred attitude in order to actually produce success. However, optimism must be anchored in reality, focused by results, and fueled by deep core beliefs*. To be effective, you must find a balance between looking honestly at the most painful truths and contradictions in your life, yet still engaging in the world with hope and positive energy.

Pessimists remain inactive and seldom leave their comfort zone because of a scarcity mentality: the belief that there isn’t enough (of whatever). Optimists inherently are risk-takers and are driven more by an abundance mentality: the belief that there is more than enough (of everything). An optimistic viewpoint is more energizing and empowering; optimism leads to action whereas pessimism typically leads to paralysis. It is an optimistic attitude that drives persistence. When it comes to the everyday challenges the face us, the energy of negative thinking is undermining and counterproductive. Realistic optimism better serves the challenges we face.

Look at the graphic and, from the discussion we just had, see if you can track through the logic (I’m hoping that it is self-evident).

Again, this is reductionistic and idealized, but it makes an important point … 

... those who say they can and those who say they can’t are usually both right.

But, we have to be careful to focus our energy only into the things that we can actually change or influence … and let go of the need to control or influence anything else, even if those things matter to us. Why? 

Because when we lose control over things that matter to us we become anxious … and anxiety diminishes us and drains our energy. That’s why the serenity prayer teaches us to courageously put our energies into the things over which we have influence and to serenely accept the things over which we have no influence.

When we courageously focus our energies, with discipline, into the concerns over which we have some influence, that effort expands our influence and we actually make a difference. It also energizes us. An optimist directed by this strategy can usher change into the world around him. Pessimists, on the other hand, while they may be equally caring people, are hindered by a negative and hopeless attitude about results and outcomes, preventing them from proactively investing their energies in any strategic way because they do not see their actions having a positive impact. The result is a self-fulfilling downward spiral of negativity; their efforts bear no results, justifying their negative attitude. It also depletes their energy as well as diminishing their circle of influence even further.

As far as I can tell, there seem to be 4 clear reasons for choosing optimism:

1. Optimism is synonymous with hope ... and everyone wants hope.
2. Optimism creates an abundance mentality and powers performance.
3. Optimism drives persistence and enables results.
4. People prefer being around optimists; pessimists are not fun to be around.

*Deep Core Beliefs ... my faith part

To be optimistic means to be intentionally oriented towards results. Results-based optimism has provided an inner target and mission to keep me working towards goals and outcomes. I have found that because the results are internally held, the emotional resolve to achieve the results is more readily sustainable because it is not imposed from the outside. I choose the results.

However, as a Christian I also know that I am not to strive towards human goals but towards heavenly goals. “Seek first His Kingdom, and His righteousness …and all these (other) things will be added as well.” I believe we are also taught to work hard towards every enterprise to which we give our heart, but do it all as if we were doing it for God Himself. Herein, then, lies the tension that I have learned must be maintained … we must make sure that our hearts are oriented not just towards results … but towards God’s results. There was a time when I saw this as a contradiction, but now, I see it is an essential tension that must be maintained and managed. What this ends up looking like in me is this … I strive, optimistically (hopefully) towards outcomes … but I cannot be crushed if the results differ from my expectations, because it is only God who can truly measure the success of my efforts and mission. This doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t set human goals and strive for human results. I must! But the mature Christian in me establishes those under the authority and purpose of God.

Therefore, I am not simply an optimist. I prefer to think of myself as a results/faith-based optimist. Optimism is a powerful mental state that is born out of choice.

YOU CHOOSE your attitude.

Choose wisely!

Choose optimism!

I love you guys.

Dad