PERSONAL CRAP DETECTOR - Mental BS

Ciao

Quite the day on the economic markets yesterday. Black Monday! The Chinese are a powerful force in this world, whether they know what they are doing or not.

OK, before I get into today’s theme of learning to detect your own Mental BS, I want to sidestep back to something I introduced on June 8 when I spoke about the looking-glass analogy … the whole business of managing our personal energy.

I’m bringing it back here to elaborate on some things I only introduced back then because it’s important to this discussion about our personal BS. Here is that model again:

The Physical – the Quantity of the Energy
Our pure raw energy comes in physical form, controlled by our eating and activity level … the whole metabolic thing is huge to understand. But since you’ve both proven that you understand this I skipped that topic this month. In the analogy, this is the strength of the sunlight that we can access. If we start off with low physical energy there’s less to work with in life, regardless of our ability to harness it.

The Emotional-Social – the Quality of the Energy
Our emotional state (which is tied closely with the social) is analogous to clear or cloudy skies. Being stressed or self-absorbed or fearful or angry or (insert a hundred survival-based emotions) clouds the skies and keeps the energy from getting through; being emotionally connected and well-adjusted and maintaining a results-based (and also faith-based) optimism really helps to clear the skies. Any emotional troubles at all can significantly reduce the available energy that can be harnessed, regardless of how good you are of making use of what you have.

The Mental – the Focus of the Energy
Our minds are where transformation begins because it is with our minds that we can learn to focus whatever energy is available to us, not to mention using it to learn to control our metabolism (and get more raw energy to begin with) and emotions (to keep the skies clear so that more energy is available for use). I want to talk about some of the mental stuff today.

Our mind is like the magnifying glass … which can focus the available energy or waste it. In the analogy, the magnifying glass harnesses the sun’s light (physical energy) and focuses it on a specific spot with a chosen intensity … in order to accomplish something (like burning your girl-friend’s name in a block of driftwood). (in reality, our mind isn’t just like an ordinary magnifying glass though; it’s like having a magnifying glass that can increase the sun’s power as well as burn away the clouds!) But here’s the problem … here is where the BS shows up. Despite having this amazing tool to harness all available energy and use it to do some amazing things, we waste it (some people waste all of it) because we don’t take the time to learn how to use. Here are 3 ways in which we waste or negate our mental power to focus:

1. Multi-tasking: by definition, means we are not focusing on just one thing.
2. Unstructured thinking: this leads to having zero skill in focusing the mind.
3. Faulty storytelling (allowing bad lines of “code” in our head): this creates negative feedback to the energy quality (the emotions).

I want to FOCUS on just the first one today (so that I’m not guilty of the very thing I’m talking about). Let’s talk about the BS associated with multi-tasking.

Multi-tasking is one of the greatest deterrents to personal growth and development and it is certainly in the top two reasons why most people under-perform (the other reason is lack of clarity in what they are trying to accomplish). You have heard me speak about this for years … multi-tasking is a dysfunctional mental state that guarantees mediocre performance at best. Psychologists call it “polyphasic activity,” and in my experience, any time psychologists give something a fancy name it usually isn’t a good thing. Where’s the BS part? Many (most?) people actually believe that multi-tasking is a good thing … especially your generation and ones even younger than you. Study after study after study has proven that multi-tasking is mutually exclusive with high-performance. High-performers, from any field, actively work to defeat this in their life … even when not performing. Why? Begins how we train our minds in non-battle conditions is how our mind will respond when actually tasked with something important.

Here’s how the magnifying glass analogy makes sense of this. Imagine holding the magnifier in order to catch the sun’s rays so that you can burn a hole in a piece of wood. How long does it take to get the burn started? 10 seconds? 5 seconds? What would happen if you moved the glass every 2 seconds to a different spot? You could even move it continually back and forth between just two spots … and nothing would EVER burn. Why? Because some tasks/missions require focus and intensity and persistence in order to accomplish them. There is simply no workaround for this.

This mental BS has stolen people’s ability to concentrate for any length of time as attention spans have diminished to microscopic proportions. The hand-held technology is perhaps the single greatest contributor to this dysfunction, training people that it’s acceptable to be distracted by something every few seconds. I too have been sucked in and mesmerized by this Medussa, but I’ve learned enough to know that there must be times that I intentionally MUST ignore these distractions … just for the good of my mind. Thinking has almost become a lost luxury and workers around the world are complaining that they have so many competing demands and so many “number one priorities,” that they don’t have time to think. This is a big blind spot if we don’t think that this isn’t hurting us. It’s just BS.

One final thing about the magnifying glass; you know that your ability to control the sunbeam so that it can burn exactly what you want requires knowing how to hold the glass, as measured by 3 skills:

a) Finding the right distance from the wood (the focal distance);

b) Orienting the glass perpendicular to the sunbeam (for maximum intensity);

c) Keeping the glass steady.

In our mind, these three things are:

a) Establishing the focal point (discussed next week) so that we know where our energies must come to bear, and then focusing that energy through intentionality;

b) Our orientation towards optimism (results/faith-based) or pessimism (survival thinking);

c) Clarity and persistence and know to not give up.

With all love I say this to you:

“Cut the crap guys.”

J

Dad

PERSONAL CRAP DETECTOR - Emotional-Social BS (Part 2)

Good morning Mr. and Miss Bowyer

I can’t wait to talk some more about YOUR BS.  Ha ha ha

Last week I wrote about our Blind Spots (the real meaning of BS) being a function of our own personal bias. I want to explore this a bit deeper today.

As you know, or are learning, I am fascinated by the wealth of social science data coming out these days … data that show how and why human beings act the way they do. Some of the data are like, “Yep … that just confirms what I’ve always known to be true,” while other data are like, “Wow … this is fascinating … and it sure explains a lot of what we see.”

The word “noise” is the technical term used to describe anything that interferes with the communication process. People’s emotions significantly affect communications, especially as it relates to an ability to listen (listening is an enormous part of communications). Emotions of a listener can be one of resonance, in which case the message is accepted, or one of dissonance, in which case the message is rejected. We accept and reject messages all the time.

But what happens when the entire communication process happens within our own heads? A message is sent and also received all between our ears, and the only standard within us for making a judgment about the validity of the message is highly influenced by our personal bias: that thing inside of us that usually gives us the benefit of the doubt. As psychologists point out (and experience has proven to me), this is a huge problem because it is what leads to us having an almost infinite capacity for denial and self-deception. It’s where we get our Blind Spots. It’s what leads us to not perceiving our own BS (the other one).

Ultimately, this “noise” inside our own heads makes it very very difficult for us to look honestly and objectively at ourselves … while still being quite capable of accurately evaluating others.

This emotional blocking of information can be an enormous deterrent in your life. Why? Because when you are presented with information which disagrees with what you already know, believe, or want to believe (even if the information is factual), it is dissonant and not readily welcomed or accepted; especially if it is about you.

Illusory superiority is a form of bias that causes people to overestimate their positive qualities and to underestimate their negative qualities, relative to others. For example, here are some of those data I spoke about: in a survey of the faculty at the University of Nebraska, 68% rated themselves to be in the top 25% for teaching ability; similarly, 87% of MBA students at Stanford University rated their academic performance above average; 70% of US high school students rate themselves above average leaders; and 85% of US high school students rate themselves above-average in getting along well with others, while 25% put themselves in the top 1%.

We can laugh at these numbers as we shake our heads at how “blind” people are to their own strengths and weaknesses … but we are the same. YOU are the same.

This is a really important truth I wanted you to hear from me in this year of posts because if you can learn to recognize this then you will have a hope of defeating this weakness within you … and defeat it you must, because it is the only way you can ever truly mature. This kind of blind spot is what keep smokers smoking and over-eaters eating, despite overwhelming evidence that it puts their health at serious risk. It is what allows you to see the speck of dust in your friend's eye, all-the-while being oblivious to the log in your own eye. Another example I see all the time is when people summarily reject the notion of God’s existence even when presented with clear and sound reasoning. And here's how the brain does this ... emotions often block the information before the logical part of the process even begins. Cognitive dissonance provides the mechanism for denial so that you do not feel compelled to respond or change your mind.

The path to true freedom begins with being able to see yourself honestly. This requires humility. The Bible speaks about this very thing in two famous passages. 1) the first is in Psalm 139 where David asks God to help him see himself as clearly as God sees him, and for God to show him the honest truth about himself; 2) the second is in Mark 4 where Jesus gives a parable about our receptivity to the truth of His Word … and the 4 different emotional/mental states that result in our blindness or our ability to see clearly.

Maturing requires you to be able to see your own emotional noise, and then learn how to quiet that noise so that you can see yourself honestly. That’s when freedom will become a possibility for you.

I love you both very much.

Dad

PERSONAL CRAP DETECTOR - Emotional-Social BS (Part 1)

Sorry about the delay guys … my computer got hijacked by Mom’s Google account and screwed up everything. Don’t ask me how. Anyway, it’s almost all better.

So …. HEY …. How goes it?

This month I’m talking about the need to develop a well-tuned personal crap detector. So what does that mean? Well, we all have personal BS … and of course, by that I mean, blind spots. That’s the kind way of saying it … psychologists tend to speak about this “defect” that we all have by using terms like “blind spots” or a “personal bias.” I have them. You have them Your Mom has them. Every human being has them.

The BS can also stand for the usual meaning because once you start recognizing your inability to see yourself as accurately as you can see others, you’ll really see how it looks and smells like BS. Hence, I like to talk about the skill of developing a personal-crap detector. Honestly guys, this is a very important part of growing up and becoming the kind of person that others trust and like.

I’ve changed the original batting order of the things that I wanted to share in this month’s posts because I wanted to start off by looking at our social BS and its fusion with our emotional BS. In particular I want to look at one particular dysfunction and solution: approval addiction … and the art of managing our image management (by NOT controlling how others see us). Assuming that YOU are both normal and that you inherited this dysfunction from your wonderful parents, then here are my thoughts for you on this. (if you don’t believe that you suffer from this then let me know so that I can share my thoughts with you on self-deception – LOL)

This is about your inner drive to communicate your significance to others … and to manage their thinking to see your significance in their minds. When Paul wrote to the Corinthians he had to address their addiction to status and approval. He gets quite sarcastic as he writes to them, “No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God’s approval.”  Snap!   He goes on to say that if he was motivated by such low-minded things, he certainly wouldn’t be a servant of God. Interesting!

The bondage of needing others’ approval controls your actions and your words more than the right principles around which you SHOULD be building your life. Such a mindset keeps you from enjoying the freedom of simply being yourself in the presence of others because it is always directing you to manage the image of you in their minds. One of my favourite authors, John Ortberg, says, “human conversation is largely an endless attempt to convince others that we are more assertive or clever or gentle or successful than they might think if we did not carefully educate them.”

I said earlier that what other people think about you is none of your business. Can you stand that though? Can you be comfortable letting the image of YOU go unmanaged or uncontrolled in the minds of other people?  

Let’s begin by simply listening to what we say about ourselves to others … and then think about why we say it. Listen to your language. Are you managing the image of YOU in the minds of others?

The best way to understand “image management” is to see it in action. So before you start listening to yourself, look at the following examples of statements from people who are trying to manage their image in the minds of their hearers. The red statements are the ones that aren’t necessary (they wouldn’t be used by an independent “free thinker”). The blue words are an explanation of what the Image-Manager is really trying to say. Then re-enact the scenes by removing the red statements and speaking like a free thinker.

1. Statement by an Image Manager
I saw something funny on Seinfeld the other night. As you know I don’t usually watch a lot of TV but it had been a hectic day at work and I just needed some downtime. Anyway, Jerry was talking to Kramer …

1. What I’m Really Trying to Say
As you know – I’m reinforcing what you must surely know about me already

I don’t usually watch a lot of TV – I don’t want you to think that I sit around all the time like a couch potato

but it had been a hectic day at work – I’m a busy important person

and I just needed some downtime – I don’t get nearly as much recovery time as I should because I’m a really busy person.

1. Statement by a Free Thinker
I saw something funny on Seinfeld the other night. Jerry was talking to Kramer …

2. Statement by an Image Manager
You pass the offering plate to the person next to you in the pew but put nothing in it, whispering to them, “I put it in before church.”

2. What I’m Really Trying to Say
I put it in before church – I don’t want you to think that I’m not committed to this church … or that I’m cheap.

2. Statement by a Free Thinker
You silently pass the offering plate to the person next to you in the pew.

3. Statement by an Image Manager
I’m sorry but I can’t meet with you Sunday afternoon. I’m spending time with my daughter. I try to dedicate a few hours each week to each of my kids because I believe it is important to keep the parent-child relationship strong. How about Saturday afternoon instead?

3. What I’m Really Trying to Say
I’m spending time with my daughter – I want you to know that I’m a family man and a loving father

I try to dedicate a few hours each week to each of my kids because I believe it is important to keep the parent-child relationship strong – I’m also considerate of how I raise my children and I want you to know that

3. Statement by a Free Thinker
I’m sorry but I can’t meet with you Sunday afternoon. How about Saturday afternoon instead?

4. Statement by an Image Manager
I took the managers’ competency test last week. I hope that I passed so that I can be eligible for a management position. I hardly studied for it because I’ve been working 60-hr weeks on that big office project.

4. What I’m Really Trying to Say
I hardly studied for it – I’m probably going to fail the test and I don’t want you to think that it’s because I’m not smart enough … it’s really because I didn’t put enough effort into it

Because I’ve been working 60-hr weeks on that big office project – I want you to know that I’m a company guy who is committed to his work

4. Statement by a Free Thinker
I took the managers’ competency test last week. I hope that I passed.

5. Statement by an Image Manager
I can only stay until 9 pm because I try to be in bed by 10 pm since I get up so early … I’m usually up around 5am to spend some quiet time with God before doing going for a run before going to work.

5. What I’m Really Trying to Say
because I try to be in bed by 10 pm since I get up so early … I’m usually up around 5am to spend some quiet time with God before doing going for a run before going to work – I want you to know that I’m a disciplined person who sees the need to spend time with God and also take care of myself physically.

5. Statement by a Free Thinker
I can only stay until 9 pm.

Get the idea?

Listen to yourself speak and see how much is just for controlling what others think about you. You might discover some personal BS, and possibly help eliminate some verbal diarrhea.  LOL

I love you both.

Dad