PERSONAL CRAP DETECTOR - Mental BS

Ciao

Quite the day on the economic markets yesterday. Black Monday! The Chinese are a powerful force in this world, whether they know what they are doing or not.

OK, before I get into today’s theme of learning to detect your own Mental BS, I want to sidestep back to something I introduced on June 8 when I spoke about the looking-glass analogy … the whole business of managing our personal energy.

I’m bringing it back here to elaborate on some things I only introduced back then because it’s important to this discussion about our personal BS. Here is that model again:

The Physical – the Quantity of the Energy
Our pure raw energy comes in physical form, controlled by our eating and activity level … the whole metabolic thing is huge to understand. But since you’ve both proven that you understand this I skipped that topic this month. In the analogy, this is the strength of the sunlight that we can access. If we start off with low physical energy there’s less to work with in life, regardless of our ability to harness it.

The Emotional-Social – the Quality of the Energy
Our emotional state (which is tied closely with the social) is analogous to clear or cloudy skies. Being stressed or self-absorbed or fearful or angry or (insert a hundred survival-based emotions) clouds the skies and keeps the energy from getting through; being emotionally connected and well-adjusted and maintaining a results-based (and also faith-based) optimism really helps to clear the skies. Any emotional troubles at all can significantly reduce the available energy that can be harnessed, regardless of how good you are of making use of what you have.

The Mental – the Focus of the Energy
Our minds are where transformation begins because it is with our minds that we can learn to focus whatever energy is available to us, not to mention using it to learn to control our metabolism (and get more raw energy to begin with) and emotions (to keep the skies clear so that more energy is available for use). I want to talk about some of the mental stuff today.

Our mind is like the magnifying glass … which can focus the available energy or waste it. In the analogy, the magnifying glass harnesses the sun’s light (physical energy) and focuses it on a specific spot with a chosen intensity … in order to accomplish something (like burning your girl-friend’s name in a block of driftwood). (in reality, our mind isn’t just like an ordinary magnifying glass though; it’s like having a magnifying glass that can increase the sun’s power as well as burn away the clouds!) But here’s the problem … here is where the BS shows up. Despite having this amazing tool to harness all available energy and use it to do some amazing things, we waste it (some people waste all of it) because we don’t take the time to learn how to use. Here are 3 ways in which we waste or negate our mental power to focus:

1. Multi-tasking: by definition, means we are not focusing on just one thing.
2. Unstructured thinking: this leads to having zero skill in focusing the mind.
3. Faulty storytelling (allowing bad lines of “code” in our head): this creates negative feedback to the energy quality (the emotions).

I want to FOCUS on just the first one today (so that I’m not guilty of the very thing I’m talking about). Let’s talk about the BS associated with multi-tasking.

Multi-tasking is one of the greatest deterrents to personal growth and development and it is certainly in the top two reasons why most people under-perform (the other reason is lack of clarity in what they are trying to accomplish). You have heard me speak about this for years … multi-tasking is a dysfunctional mental state that guarantees mediocre performance at best. Psychologists call it “polyphasic activity,” and in my experience, any time psychologists give something a fancy name it usually isn’t a good thing. Where’s the BS part? Many (most?) people actually believe that multi-tasking is a good thing … especially your generation and ones even younger than you. Study after study after study has proven that multi-tasking is mutually exclusive with high-performance. High-performers, from any field, actively work to defeat this in their life … even when not performing. Why? Begins how we train our minds in non-battle conditions is how our mind will respond when actually tasked with something important.

Here’s how the magnifying glass analogy makes sense of this. Imagine holding the magnifier in order to catch the sun’s rays so that you can burn a hole in a piece of wood. How long does it take to get the burn started? 10 seconds? 5 seconds? What would happen if you moved the glass every 2 seconds to a different spot? You could even move it continually back and forth between just two spots … and nothing would EVER burn. Why? Because some tasks/missions require focus and intensity and persistence in order to accomplish them. There is simply no workaround for this.

This mental BS has stolen people’s ability to concentrate for any length of time as attention spans have diminished to microscopic proportions. The hand-held technology is perhaps the single greatest contributor to this dysfunction, training people that it’s acceptable to be distracted by something every few seconds. I too have been sucked in and mesmerized by this Medussa, but I’ve learned enough to know that there must be times that I intentionally MUST ignore these distractions … just for the good of my mind. Thinking has almost become a lost luxury and workers around the world are complaining that they have so many competing demands and so many “number one priorities,” that they don’t have time to think. This is a big blind spot if we don’t think that this isn’t hurting us. It’s just BS.

One final thing about the magnifying glass; you know that your ability to control the sunbeam so that it can burn exactly what you want requires knowing how to hold the glass, as measured by 3 skills:

a) Finding the right distance from the wood (the focal distance);

b) Orienting the glass perpendicular to the sunbeam (for maximum intensity);

c) Keeping the glass steady.

In our mind, these three things are:

a) Establishing the focal point (discussed next week) so that we know where our energies must come to bear, and then focusing that energy through intentionality;

b) Our orientation towards optimism (results/faith-based) or pessimism (survival thinking);

c) Clarity and persistence and know to not give up.

With all love I say this to you:

“Cut the crap guys.”

J

Dad

PERSONAL CRAP DETECTOR - Emotional-Social BS (Part 2)

Good morning Mr. and Miss Bowyer

I can’t wait to talk some more about YOUR BS.  Ha ha ha

Last week I wrote about our Blind Spots (the real meaning of BS) being a function of our own personal bias. I want to explore this a bit deeper today.

As you know, or are learning, I am fascinated by the wealth of social science data coming out these days … data that show how and why human beings act the way they do. Some of the data are like, “Yep … that just confirms what I’ve always known to be true,” while other data are like, “Wow … this is fascinating … and it sure explains a lot of what we see.”

The word “noise” is the technical term used to describe anything that interferes with the communication process. People’s emotions significantly affect communications, especially as it relates to an ability to listen (listening is an enormous part of communications). Emotions of a listener can be one of resonance, in which case the message is accepted, or one of dissonance, in which case the message is rejected. We accept and reject messages all the time.

But what happens when the entire communication process happens within our own heads? A message is sent and also received all between our ears, and the only standard within us for making a judgment about the validity of the message is highly influenced by our personal bias: that thing inside of us that usually gives us the benefit of the doubt. As psychologists point out (and experience has proven to me), this is a huge problem because it is what leads to us having an almost infinite capacity for denial and self-deception. It’s where we get our Blind Spots. It’s what leads us to not perceiving our own BS (the other one).

Ultimately, this “noise” inside our own heads makes it very very difficult for us to look honestly and objectively at ourselves … while still being quite capable of accurately evaluating others.

This emotional blocking of information can be an enormous deterrent in your life. Why? Because when you are presented with information which disagrees with what you already know, believe, or want to believe (even if the information is factual), it is dissonant and not readily welcomed or accepted; especially if it is about you.

Illusory superiority is a form of bias that causes people to overestimate their positive qualities and to underestimate their negative qualities, relative to others. For example, here are some of those data I spoke about: in a survey of the faculty at the University of Nebraska, 68% rated themselves to be in the top 25% for teaching ability; similarly, 87% of MBA students at Stanford University rated their academic performance above average; 70% of US high school students rate themselves above average leaders; and 85% of US high school students rate themselves above-average in getting along well with others, while 25% put themselves in the top 1%.

We can laugh at these numbers as we shake our heads at how “blind” people are to their own strengths and weaknesses … but we are the same. YOU are the same.

This is a really important truth I wanted you to hear from me in this year of posts because if you can learn to recognize this then you will have a hope of defeating this weakness within you … and defeat it you must, because it is the only way you can ever truly mature. This kind of blind spot is what keep smokers smoking and over-eaters eating, despite overwhelming evidence that it puts their health at serious risk. It is what allows you to see the speck of dust in your friend's eye, all-the-while being oblivious to the log in your own eye. Another example I see all the time is when people summarily reject the notion of God’s existence even when presented with clear and sound reasoning. And here's how the brain does this ... emotions often block the information before the logical part of the process even begins. Cognitive dissonance provides the mechanism for denial so that you do not feel compelled to respond or change your mind.

The path to true freedom begins with being able to see yourself honestly. This requires humility. The Bible speaks about this very thing in two famous passages. 1) the first is in Psalm 139 where David asks God to help him see himself as clearly as God sees him, and for God to show him the honest truth about himself; 2) the second is in Mark 4 where Jesus gives a parable about our receptivity to the truth of His Word … and the 4 different emotional/mental states that result in our blindness or our ability to see clearly.

Maturing requires you to be able to see your own emotional noise, and then learn how to quiet that noise so that you can see yourself honestly. That’s when freedom will become a possibility for you.

I love you both very much.

Dad

PERSONAL CRAP DETECTOR - Emotional-Social BS (Part 1)

Sorry about the delay guys … my computer got hijacked by Mom’s Google account and screwed up everything. Don’t ask me how. Anyway, it’s almost all better.

So …. HEY …. How goes it?

This month I’m talking about the need to develop a well-tuned personal crap detector. So what does that mean? Well, we all have personal BS … and of course, by that I mean, blind spots. That’s the kind way of saying it … psychologists tend to speak about this “defect” that we all have by using terms like “blind spots” or a “personal bias.” I have them. You have them Your Mom has them. Every human being has them.

The BS can also stand for the usual meaning because once you start recognizing your inability to see yourself as accurately as you can see others, you’ll really see how it looks and smells like BS. Hence, I like to talk about the skill of developing a personal-crap detector. Honestly guys, this is a very important part of growing up and becoming the kind of person that others trust and like.

I’ve changed the original batting order of the things that I wanted to share in this month’s posts because I wanted to start off by looking at our social BS and its fusion with our emotional BS. In particular I want to look at one particular dysfunction and solution: approval addiction … and the art of managing our image management (by NOT controlling how others see us). Assuming that YOU are both normal and that you inherited this dysfunction from your wonderful parents, then here are my thoughts for you on this. (if you don’t believe that you suffer from this then let me know so that I can share my thoughts with you on self-deception – LOL)

This is about your inner drive to communicate your significance to others … and to manage their thinking to see your significance in their minds. When Paul wrote to the Corinthians he had to address their addiction to status and approval. He gets quite sarcastic as he writes to them, “No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God’s approval.”  Snap!   He goes on to say that if he was motivated by such low-minded things, he certainly wouldn’t be a servant of God. Interesting!

The bondage of needing others’ approval controls your actions and your words more than the right principles around which you SHOULD be building your life. Such a mindset keeps you from enjoying the freedom of simply being yourself in the presence of others because it is always directing you to manage the image of you in their minds. One of my favourite authors, John Ortberg, says, “human conversation is largely an endless attempt to convince others that we are more assertive or clever or gentle or successful than they might think if we did not carefully educate them.”

I said earlier that what other people think about you is none of your business. Can you stand that though? Can you be comfortable letting the image of YOU go unmanaged or uncontrolled in the minds of other people?  

Let’s begin by simply listening to what we say about ourselves to others … and then think about why we say it. Listen to your language. Are you managing the image of YOU in the minds of others?

The best way to understand “image management” is to see it in action. So before you start listening to yourself, look at the following examples of statements from people who are trying to manage their image in the minds of their hearers. The red statements are the ones that aren’t necessary (they wouldn’t be used by an independent “free thinker”). The blue words are an explanation of what the Image-Manager is really trying to say. Then re-enact the scenes by removing the red statements and speaking like a free thinker.

1. Statement by an Image Manager
I saw something funny on Seinfeld the other night. As you know I don’t usually watch a lot of TV but it had been a hectic day at work and I just needed some downtime. Anyway, Jerry was talking to Kramer …

1. What I’m Really Trying to Say
As you know – I’m reinforcing what you must surely know about me already

I don’t usually watch a lot of TV – I don’t want you to think that I sit around all the time like a couch potato

but it had been a hectic day at work – I’m a busy important person

and I just needed some downtime – I don’t get nearly as much recovery time as I should because I’m a really busy person.

1. Statement by a Free Thinker
I saw something funny on Seinfeld the other night. Jerry was talking to Kramer …

2. Statement by an Image Manager
You pass the offering plate to the person next to you in the pew but put nothing in it, whispering to them, “I put it in before church.”

2. What I’m Really Trying to Say
I put it in before church – I don’t want you to think that I’m not committed to this church … or that I’m cheap.

2. Statement by a Free Thinker
You silently pass the offering plate to the person next to you in the pew.

3. Statement by an Image Manager
I’m sorry but I can’t meet with you Sunday afternoon. I’m spending time with my daughter. I try to dedicate a few hours each week to each of my kids because I believe it is important to keep the parent-child relationship strong. How about Saturday afternoon instead?

3. What I’m Really Trying to Say
I’m spending time with my daughter – I want you to know that I’m a family man and a loving father

I try to dedicate a few hours each week to each of my kids because I believe it is important to keep the parent-child relationship strong – I’m also considerate of how I raise my children and I want you to know that

3. Statement by a Free Thinker
I’m sorry but I can’t meet with you Sunday afternoon. How about Saturday afternoon instead?

4. Statement by an Image Manager
I took the managers’ competency test last week. I hope that I passed so that I can be eligible for a management position. I hardly studied for it because I’ve been working 60-hr weeks on that big office project.

4. What I’m Really Trying to Say
I hardly studied for it – I’m probably going to fail the test and I don’t want you to think that it’s because I’m not smart enough … it’s really because I didn’t put enough effort into it

Because I’ve been working 60-hr weeks on that big office project – I want you to know that I’m a company guy who is committed to his work

4. Statement by a Free Thinker
I took the managers’ competency test last week. I hope that I passed.

5. Statement by an Image Manager
I can only stay until 9 pm because I try to be in bed by 10 pm since I get up so early … I’m usually up around 5am to spend some quiet time with God before doing going for a run before going to work.

5. What I’m Really Trying to Say
because I try to be in bed by 10 pm since I get up so early … I’m usually up around 5am to spend some quiet time with God before doing going for a run before going to work – I want you to know that I’m a disciplined person who sees the need to spend time with God and also take care of myself physically.

5. Statement by a Free Thinker
I can only stay until 9 pm.

Get the idea?

Listen to yourself speak and see how much is just for controlling what others think about you. You might discover some personal BS, and possibly help eliminate some verbal diarrhea.  LOL

I love you both.

Dad

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY: It's Not about Happy!

Happy Monday Kids…

I want to close out month 5 of this blog by quoting the Seussian-style poem that I wrote for my first blog on my birthday:

I’m 60, and 60’s a beautiful time; I’m living the dream, and can say it in rhyme. I’m not without problems. I’m not without frets. I’m not without challenges, ailments, or debts. But I realized something at age 48, that has grown in me stead’ly since that crucial date. What if life’s more than simply a circumstance state?

Do you guys understand what it means?  Do you?

I’ve gone full circle here because today is the last post about change, and in some ways, it may be my most important insight on the topic;

IT’S NOT ABOUT HAPPY.

What the heck does that mean? Permit me a moment to slip into trainer mode.

Take a look at this graphic … I use it when training people about the stages of change. In many ways, it looks like the grief-cycle.

If we drill down a bit and include emotional states then the graphic fills in with some details that can be helpful in understanding what happens inside a human being when

change happens. The main point here is that unless a person has a brain dysfunction, every human goes through this full cycle … covering every single emotion … with virtually every change.

Change is what happens externally to us. The main truth about change is that it’s inevitable. Transition is the inner response to change. It is personal (different from what other people experience) and it is always emotional (can’t be avoided). Now the speed at which we work through the curve depends on us. This is where the personal-management stuff comes in and all the things we’ve discussed earlier this month.

When I myself was being trained on this subject I picked up this next graphic … and it’s the one that provided my biggest AHHA! moment. It shows the full-detailed emotions and thoughts of someone, typically in an organization, that is going through change, beginning with simply their thoughts about change through to 3 different outcomes. Look at it closely and then I’ll discuss a few key things.

The 3 different emotional outcomes are nicely depicted here:

First you have the people who are disillusioned and ultimately scared-off by change and end up escaping; they deal with it by taking the “flight” path.

Second you have the people who don’t have the guts to leave but they also don’t work through the curve emotionally, on the inside … so they remain … but they remain as a martyr or an enemy.

Third you have the “proper” path of transition where the person works through the emotions and emerges out the other end in what is referred to as “moving forward.

When I teach through this graphic I conclude by asking people, “was there anything in this image that surprised you?”  90% of the responses are the same response that I had when I first saw it; Happiness is not at the end of the middle “proper” path. In fact, it’s almost near the beginning of the transition-journey. The 10% who are not at all surprised by this are usually seniors. Life has already taught them this truth. I believe though that this is important to learn before you reach those years so that the entire tenor of your life will be different. Better!

Now both of you are smarter than me (ie: more raw intelligence). But this has nothing to do with IQ … this is completely about emotional intelligence and seeing the wisdom in this graphic. In an organization, sometimes things deteriorate and change is needed. Typically, the troops know this long before the leaders do, and people are hungering for change. The people might even be pushing hard on the leaders and demanding that things change. So when change is actually afoot and people get a sense that it’s going to happen, they get a sense of relief that, “finally, things are going to change around here.” They get a sense of happiness that life will unfold better and they even get a bit excited about it. But in almost all cases, when the changes actually start rolling out, they are never exactly what people had in mind and disengagement, disillusionment and discouragement come very easily.

However, when people marshal their own inner expectations and responses and cognitively move themselves through the curve, the journey to “acceptance” can come quickly (or at least quicker) so that they are not being crushed by the changes. It’s only then that they can actually “move forward” in their life and not be held-back emotionally by the changes that have happened (or continue to happen).

The goal of managing yourself through change is NOT to get to a state of happiness. This is an error that children make. The problem is that far too many people grow into adulthood while still carrying this childish emotional expectation. This becomes a huge dysfunction in their life.

The goal of managing yourself through change is so that you can move forward. Happiness is a mental state that comes through choice about how we interpret life’s circumstances. Happiness is by-product of choosing to move forward.

Much of that third diagram applies to most changes. But when we employ it with extreme situations such as the changes that result from the loss of loved ones or the loss of a job or the loss of good health, it becomes pretty clear that “happiness” is not waiting for us at the end of the curve. We need to deal with and “accept” the new reality so that we can “move forward” one again and live life effectively and productively rather than remaining stuck in an emotional valley.

My Dad died in an emotional valley … the place where he got stuck when his job situation changed. My sister-in-law Nancy died in an emotional valley … the place where she got stuck when Sidney died from diabetic complications at age 42. I’ve worked with dozens of people, and tried helping hundreds of others through training, who have become stuck somewhere in their journey through the curve (which we go through hundreds, if not thousands of times in our life). Your Mom’s big focus in the counselling she offers is to help people get unstuck from wherever they are in the curve … so that they can be free to move forward once again.

Charles Darwin wrote, “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.”

Darwin was right … survival is about adaptability; it is about quickly assessing when reality has changed and adapting to the new reality in order to continue moving forward once again. When the road changes direction, only a foolish driver continues driving straight. That will get you killed. I don’t mean to make this sound melodramatic, but having a low adaptive capacity can kill you.

This becomes much much clearer when we realize that our goal is to get through change so that we can move forward, not to be happy. I was NOT HAPPY that I lost a year of university to illness … but I had to move forward. I was NOT HAPPY when each of my parents, my grandmother and my brother died … but I had to move forward. I was NOT HAPPY when I had serious curves thrown at me during my career … but I was able to move forward because I worked my way through the only curve that mattered: the one that ended with “moving forward.”

I love you guys. See you next month when I talk about my personal crap detector.

Dad

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY: Hammer Time!

It’s Hammer-time baby!

Two weeks ago we looked at the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity …

… to accept the things that I cannot change
… the courage to change the things that I can
… and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have learned of the amazing wisdom behind those words. The point is that we have the ability to control the change process within us; in other words, our inner reaction to change. This concept keeps getting retaught in new and refreshing ways. For example, in the movie Black Hat (which, by the way, your Mom and I really enjoyed), Chris Hemsworth’s character had a line:  “I’m doing the time; the time’s not doing me.”  Some critics panned the movie and pointed to lines like this as being cheesy or less clever than they were trying to be. I disagreed with the critics (well, except for the lack of closure part at the end). The point that the antihero was making is that a prison cell can be a crucible of positive transformation … IF ... you take charge and decide that you are doing your own time, not theirs. He did that and used that time to transform his mind and body.

One of the points I teach in my coaching and training is that when it comes to the change process within ourselves, we can be either a hammer or a nail. We can author our own reactions (by being a hammer) or we can be victims to whatever life dishes up (by being a nail). Our hacker-hero (played by no less than Thor himself – the God with a hammer) chose to be a hammer rather than a nail. This is a righteous and noble principle. Be a hammer, not a nail. Hammers build things. Nails just get hammered. (aside - I guess the movie critics must be nails inside themselves because it seems that they can only feel in control when they hammer everyone else’s work).

My point? If you choose to use ALL of your circumstances as positive change-agents in your life, then you are a hammer. If you simply let ALL of your circumstances crush and defeat you, then you are a nail. My advice: Always Be a Hammer! 

Why? 

That’s really the point about this post … why being a hammer is a superior attitude for life. 

Hammers are people who proactively take charge of their mind and emotions, using them either to dictate their circumstances or to control their reactions to uncontrollable circumstances. They are tactical in using their natural fight and flight responses to their advantage. On the flip-side, Nails are people who react to life and let it control their mind and emotions, and are controlled by their circumstances. They use their natural fight and flight responses inappropriately, usually to their detriment.

OK, I’m clearly being reductionistic here because you can never break people into two cleanly divided groups … people usually fall along a spectrum. What I’m describing are the polar opposites in this spectrum. Let me continue then with an idealistic description of these polar opposites by giving them names;

Nails are the pessimists. Hammers are the optimists. 

And their orientation or temperament on this particular spectrum really comes down to whether or not they feel they have control … or even a sense of control. For the most part, pessimists believe they have no control … optimists believe they do. And here’s the kicker … the control doesn’t even have to be real … it’s completely about the perception of control.

To keep this post from being 100 pages (because there is soooooooooo much I want to say on all this), let me zoom down to a very narrow aspect of all of it: optimism vs pessimism.

Optimism and Pessimism

Optimism, and its counterpart, pessimism, are attitudes of interpretation. Optimism could be defined as “a disposition or tendency to look on the more favourable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favourable outcome.” Pessimists look on the less favourable side of things and tend to expect the least favourable outcome. Pessimists defend their attitude as being more “realistic,” while optimists believe in the value of being hopeful. The traditional metaphor for characterizing the difference between the two is a glass that holds half its capacity of water; optimists interpret the glass as half-full, pessimists interpret it as half-empty. Of course, neither are right or wrong. Similarly, an optimistic perspective isn’t any more truthful than a pessimistic one. So why does the attitude matter?

Pessimism is the Safe Bet

Pessimists are oriented towards an expectation of failure which aids them in protecting themselves from disappointment. They manage their expectations in a mitigative manner by lowering their expectations of almost everything. If truth be told, it is easy to be negative, whereas, optimism requires courage because we all face challenges, obstacles, and setbacks along the way. Plus, the ever hopeful attitude of optimists is often a naïve Pollyanna perspective that blinds itself to reality and sets them up for disappointment. Therefore, pessimism seems like a safer emotional bet. In fact, humans are wired so that pessimism is the default attitude when optimism isn’t intentionally chosen. On the surface this seems like a good strategy for managing expectations.

But this strategy, conscious or not, comes with a greater cost than benefit. Think about it. You know how it feels to be around a relentlessly pessimistic person; they radiate negative energy and you don’t want to be around them (and neither does anyone else). That alone might seem like a sufficient reason to choose to be optimistic, but there is an even better reason; your performance in life is greatly dictated by whether you are an optimist or a pessimist … and performance is greatly enhanced by optimism.

Optimism is the Smart Bet

It has been proven that optimists have an orientation towards an expectation of success … a preferred attitude in order to actually produce success. However, optimism must be anchored in reality, focused by results, and fueled by deep core beliefs*. To be effective, you must find a balance between looking honestly at the most painful truths and contradictions in your life, yet still engaging in the world with hope and positive energy.

Pessimists remain inactive and seldom leave their comfort zone because of a scarcity mentality: the belief that there isn’t enough (of whatever). Optimists inherently are risk-takers and are driven more by an abundance mentality: the belief that there is more than enough (of everything). An optimistic viewpoint is more energizing and empowering; optimism leads to action whereas pessimism typically leads to paralysis. It is an optimistic attitude that drives persistence. When it comes to the everyday challenges the face us, the energy of negative thinking is undermining and counterproductive. Realistic optimism better serves the challenges we face.

Look at the graphic and, from the discussion we just had, see if you can track through the logic (I’m hoping that it is self-evident).

Again, this is reductionistic and idealized, but it makes an important point … 

... those who say they can and those who say they can’t are usually both right.

But, we have to be careful to focus our energy only into the things that we can actually change or influence … and let go of the need to control or influence anything else, even if those things matter to us. Why? 

Because when we lose control over things that matter to us we become anxious … and anxiety diminishes us and drains our energy. That’s why the serenity prayer teaches us to courageously put our energies into the things over which we have influence and to serenely accept the things over which we have no influence.

When we courageously focus our energies, with discipline, into the concerns over which we have some influence, that effort expands our influence and we actually make a difference. It also energizes us. An optimist directed by this strategy can usher change into the world around him. Pessimists, on the other hand, while they may be equally caring people, are hindered by a negative and hopeless attitude about results and outcomes, preventing them from proactively investing their energies in any strategic way because they do not see their actions having a positive impact. The result is a self-fulfilling downward spiral of negativity; their efforts bear no results, justifying their negative attitude. It also depletes their energy as well as diminishing their circle of influence even further.

As far as I can tell, there seem to be 4 clear reasons for choosing optimism:

1. Optimism is synonymous with hope ... and everyone wants hope.
2. Optimism creates an abundance mentality and powers performance.
3. Optimism drives persistence and enables results.
4. People prefer being around optimists; pessimists are not fun to be around.

*Deep Core Beliefs ... my faith part

To be optimistic means to be intentionally oriented towards results. Results-based optimism has provided an inner target and mission to keep me working towards goals and outcomes. I have found that because the results are internally held, the emotional resolve to achieve the results is more readily sustainable because it is not imposed from the outside. I choose the results.

However, as a Christian I also know that I am not to strive towards human goals but towards heavenly goals. “Seek first His Kingdom, and His righteousness …and all these (other) things will be added as well.” I believe we are also taught to work hard towards every enterprise to which we give our heart, but do it all as if we were doing it for God Himself. Herein, then, lies the tension that I have learned must be maintained … we must make sure that our hearts are oriented not just towards results … but towards God’s results. There was a time when I saw this as a contradiction, but now, I see it is an essential tension that must be maintained and managed. What this ends up looking like in me is this … I strive, optimistically (hopefully) towards outcomes … but I cannot be crushed if the results differ from my expectations, because it is only God who can truly measure the success of my efforts and mission. This doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t set human goals and strive for human results. I must! But the mature Christian in me establishes those under the authority and purpose of God.

Therefore, I am not simply an optimist. I prefer to think of myself as a results/faith-based optimist. Optimism is a powerful mental state that is born out of choice.

YOU CHOOSE your attitude.

Choose wisely!

Choose optimism!

I love you guys.

Dad

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY: Breakdown Breakthrough!

“Hi Guys”

Why did I put the salutation in quotes? Because that’s how I greeted you in my first blog post on March 7 when I wrote about the tale of 2 storms. I wanted to connect those dots for you because today’s post is about the big picture lesson that came out of the storm … the lesson I call, “breakdown breakthrough.”

Back in the opening year of the Omega program, one of the participants told me of a concept that comes out of the engineering world called, “breakdown breakthrough.” The idea is that some of the greatest innovative leaps forward in engineering have come because something has failed so catastrophically that an engineer realized that the only path forward is through a different paradigm or perspective. In other words, a breakthrough in thinking often follows a breakdown in some thing or some system.

Breakdown breakthroughs aren’t only part of the world of engineering though. That term actually describes one of the dominant ways in which human beings go through change … sometimes overnight … and begin doing new things or they begin doing things in a new way. In most cases, what accompanies these are new reasons for what they do. The word most people use to describe this kind of change is “transformation.” Perhaps a better word is metamorphosis … the term we use to describe when a caterpillar changes into a butterfly. Such changes require an almost “death to self” … the old version is replaced with a completely new version.

My 2001 personal storm ultimately led to a completely different approach to living because after a year or two of soul-searching, reflection and pondering, I came to the conclusion that I needed to live differently because my old way simply wasn’t working. I had a breakthrough in understanding about life that came because of a complete breakdown.

Pastors, psychologists, counsellors, mentors and coaches will all tell you that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped … and sometimes, people have too much pride to be able to admit that they need help … until they have some sort of breakdown or until they reach “rock bottom.” Rock bottom is a strange place where life can become a true dichotomy of choice; they can get better or they can get bitter … they can find their reason to change or they can become despondent about the hopelessness of life. Rock bottom is where pride is broken, people stop fighting, and they “let go.” They almost “die to themselves,” making metamorphosis possible. Rock bottom is also where spirits are broken when people remain change-resistant … and despair and suicide become possible.

Breakdowns can be the door to a breakthrough ... even a transformation or metamorphosis. They can also be simply the end. The choice is ours. My 2001 storm was a breakdown breakthrough … I got better, not bitter. It was transformative, not hopeless. My reasons behind why I do what I do changed … hopefully forever.

I find myself hoping that someday you each will have a breakdown breakthrough. But, it is a nervous and cautious hope because in breakdowns, despair and hopelessness are also very real outcomes, and in breakdowns, bad things and bad feelings are part of the package. My Dad had that kind of breakdown; in his change-resistant spirit, rock bottom wasn’t a place of transformation … it was just a place of despair and bitterness. I don’t pray that for you. I guess what I really want for you is the breakthroughs but without the breakdowns. The problem is that I’m starting to believe that rock bottoms and breakdowns may be the best path to transformational breakthroughs. It seems that suffering is actually an important part of growing and maturity. No pain, no gain!  I pray that should you ever hit rock bottom … whatever that looks like … that you will not look down (because there is nothing below rock bottom) but only look up … and that you will see that it is Him, and not some generic “universe” who lifts you up, and that whatever work is required to pull yourself up from rock bottom will be accompanied by an equal realization that it is only through His help that you can fully emerge a new and better creature.

I love you both very much.

Dad

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY: It's all about HERE!

Howdy Ho FAB and CWAB

You’ve undoubtedly heard about the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

These words contain a powerful truth about the strategy needed to navigate change effectively in life … meaning, it is a strategy for effective living, because change happens. There are things that are simply beyond our ability to influence or affect and we simply need to accept those realities and not be crushed by them. There are also things that are within our circle of influence and we should focus our energies in order to affect or influence those. This is an emotionally healthy mindset.

During a workshop on this subject that I was conducting a number of years ago, one participant shared with me a different version of that prayer that resonated very strongly in me:

God grant me the serenity to accept the people that I cannot change, the courage to change the people that I can, and the wisdom to know that that’s me!

This is also a powerful truth. We can’t change anyone else, only ourselves … and so we need to focus our energies on ourselves when it comes to changing people.

My Dad was more than just change resistant … he was incapable of change. When the technology in his workplace changed to the computer age he literally had a psychotic break; it was more than he could handle … more than he could bear. My Mom helped him retire on a disability pension and he finished out his days basically as an insane man … mostly harmless to all but himself … sitting in a delusional world that he had created to help him emotionally accommodate his dysfunctional state. Very sad.

Being involved in leadership at church for so many years I have been put in the position of leading change … whether such changes were my own idea or they were the ideas of the full leadership team. I have been in the position of trying to help others move from HERE to THERE … wherever THERE is. My job as program manager of the hurricane centre also came with change-leadership requirements. After more than 30 years of having responsibilities to lead others through change … and after having read the top dozen or so books ever written on the topic … and after having taken certification training to be a change-management practitioner … here is one truth I want to share with you that may help you in your own leadership efforts (at home, work or in your community):

People care more about HERE than THERE!

Now bear with me … that statement may lie somewhere between a cryptic bumper sticker to a line from Captain Obvious in a Hotels.com commercial. But this is a monumental truth that make you look like geniuses at leading others once you truly understand it ... so let’s unpack it a bit.

Almost every book I have read on leading change talks about the importance of having a clear vision of the changes you want to make (individually, organizationally, culturally) and also about the skill needed by leaders to be able to articulate that vision in a clear and compelling way. The logic is that you need to help people see exactly where they will end up when they get to the change-destination and (most importantly) … how great they will feel when they get there. The reason for the need to clearly articulate how great THERE will be and how great people will feel when they get THERE is because you know that their elephants (May 25 post if you forgot) are driven 100% by fear and feelings … fear of everything unknown and feelings that scream yes-to-pleasure and no-to-pain.

The reason that THERE makes the elephant go wild is that everything about THERE is unknown … so he’s afraid of all-things-THERE. And in that scary unknown land of THERE he imagines that none of his pleasures will be present and all of his imaginable (and unimaginable) pains will be. This is why leadership books teach that a leader must cast a clear and compelling vision of how great THERE will be when we arrive … to help allay the fears of the elephant.

Here’s the truth I’ve learned. If this is all that a leader does to try getting all the elephants to start moving, he/she will fail abysmally because they will have fallen victim to a classic leadership error … by focusing all their dialogue around THERE. Why is this an error? Because THERE is a make-belief land … people live HERE!

Whether you are a trying to convince your spouse to move to a different city … or trying to convince your child to tackle a new challenge … or trying to get a group of people ready for a huge change that is coming to the team/organization that you lead … before you start talking in any significant way about how great it is THERE, you first have to demonstrate why remaining HERE is not only a bad idea, it is actually unconscionable.

People live HERE. And even when HERE is brutal (like a battered wife living with her abusive husband), the elephant convinces itself, “well, better the devil you know.” By the way, that expression, “better the devil you know,” comes from the truth that people are more afraid of unknown threats than known threats (it has been documented that if a person enters a room with a large number of people, they will prefer to sit beside someone they don’t like than beside someone they don’t know).

The future is scary. THERE is scary. But mostly, HERE is comfortable … or tolerable … and is “most certainly” better than THERE. It will serve you well to remember this truth about people that when you try to convince them about the value of a certain change that you must begin with carefully demonstrating how insanely bad it is to remain HERE. You must demonstrate that the pain of going THERE pales in comparison to the pain of remaining HERE. We are strange creatures that pride ourselves in our logic and rationality, all the while being driven very much by emotional responses. Don’t get me wrong guys … rational logical thinking is very much needed, but its use is limited and specific … and always begins with the logic that the emotions must be dealt with first.

No matter how bad HERE is, the elephant is keener to stay put rather than try moving to THERE

There will be times when THERE isn’t actually an exciting place to talk about … no compelling fantasies about a fantastic future are possible … all you have to work with is that the person/group simply can’t remain HERE because HERE has already gone. Some examples:

•        a work environment changes … it’s not an optional future
•      a wife loses her husband to a too-early death … he isn’t coming back
•      a person loses their job … it’s not a bad dream … the paycheques will stop
•      a teen is forced to go to a new school when the parents move to a new city

Until the age of 21, I was incapable of coping with change. I was my Dad. Nobody ever helped me understand that change is inevitable and moving forward to THERE wasn’t an option. It would have been nice to have some coaching about how THERE wasn’t as scary as I thought and that HERE sometimes sucked if I looked at it honestly.

When it comes to change … it’s all about HERE. I hope that you become skilled at helping people (starting with yourself) learn to honestly deal with HERE so that they can move to THERE. Why? Because 100% of every human-being’s future is in the land of THERE. 

Adaptive-capacity is the supreme human aptitude. Change is unkind to the unprepared, so prepare.

I love you guys.

Dad