PERSONAL CRAP DETECTOR - Emotional-Social BS (Part 1)

Sorry about the delay guys … my computer got hijacked by Mom’s Google account and screwed up everything. Don’t ask me how. Anyway, it’s almost all better.

So …. HEY …. How goes it?

This month I’m talking about the need to develop a well-tuned personal crap detector. So what does that mean? Well, we all have personal BS … and of course, by that I mean, blind spots. That’s the kind way of saying it … psychologists tend to speak about this “defect” that we all have by using terms like “blind spots” or a “personal bias.” I have them. You have them Your Mom has them. Every human being has them.

The BS can also stand for the usual meaning because once you start recognizing your inability to see yourself as accurately as you can see others, you’ll really see how it looks and smells like BS. Hence, I like to talk about the skill of developing a personal-crap detector. Honestly guys, this is a very important part of growing up and becoming the kind of person that others trust and like.

I’ve changed the original batting order of the things that I wanted to share in this month’s posts because I wanted to start off by looking at our social BS and its fusion with our emotional BS. In particular I want to look at one particular dysfunction and solution: approval addiction … and the art of managing our image management (by NOT controlling how others see us). Assuming that YOU are both normal and that you inherited this dysfunction from your wonderful parents, then here are my thoughts for you on this. (if you don’t believe that you suffer from this then let me know so that I can share my thoughts with you on self-deception – LOL)

This is about your inner drive to communicate your significance to others … and to manage their thinking to see your significance in their minds. When Paul wrote to the Corinthians he had to address their addiction to status and approval. He gets quite sarcastic as he writes to them, “No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God’s approval.”  Snap!   He goes on to say that if he was motivated by such low-minded things, he certainly wouldn’t be a servant of God. Interesting!

The bondage of needing others’ approval controls your actions and your words more than the right principles around which you SHOULD be building your life. Such a mindset keeps you from enjoying the freedom of simply being yourself in the presence of others because it is always directing you to manage the image of you in their minds. One of my favourite authors, John Ortberg, says, “human conversation is largely an endless attempt to convince others that we are more assertive or clever or gentle or successful than they might think if we did not carefully educate them.”

I said earlier that what other people think about you is none of your business. Can you stand that though? Can you be comfortable letting the image of YOU go unmanaged or uncontrolled in the minds of other people?  

Let’s begin by simply listening to what we say about ourselves to others … and then think about why we say it. Listen to your language. Are you managing the image of YOU in the minds of others?

The best way to understand “image management” is to see it in action. So before you start listening to yourself, look at the following examples of statements from people who are trying to manage their image in the minds of their hearers. The red statements are the ones that aren’t necessary (they wouldn’t be used by an independent “free thinker”). The blue words are an explanation of what the Image-Manager is really trying to say. Then re-enact the scenes by removing the red statements and speaking like a free thinker.

1. Statement by an Image Manager
I saw something funny on Seinfeld the other night. As you know I don’t usually watch a lot of TV but it had been a hectic day at work and I just needed some downtime. Anyway, Jerry was talking to Kramer …

1. What I’m Really Trying to Say
As you know – I’m reinforcing what you must surely know about me already

I don’t usually watch a lot of TV – I don’t want you to think that I sit around all the time like a couch potato

but it had been a hectic day at work – I’m a busy important person

and I just needed some downtime – I don’t get nearly as much recovery time as I should because I’m a really busy person.

1. Statement by a Free Thinker
I saw something funny on Seinfeld the other night. Jerry was talking to Kramer …

2. Statement by an Image Manager
You pass the offering plate to the person next to you in the pew but put nothing in it, whispering to them, “I put it in before church.”

2. What I’m Really Trying to Say
I put it in before church – I don’t want you to think that I’m not committed to this church … or that I’m cheap.

2. Statement by a Free Thinker
You silently pass the offering plate to the person next to you in the pew.

3. Statement by an Image Manager
I’m sorry but I can’t meet with you Sunday afternoon. I’m spending time with my daughter. I try to dedicate a few hours each week to each of my kids because I believe it is important to keep the parent-child relationship strong. How about Saturday afternoon instead?

3. What I’m Really Trying to Say
I’m spending time with my daughter – I want you to know that I’m a family man and a loving father

I try to dedicate a few hours each week to each of my kids because I believe it is important to keep the parent-child relationship strong – I’m also considerate of how I raise my children and I want you to know that

3. Statement by a Free Thinker
I’m sorry but I can’t meet with you Sunday afternoon. How about Saturday afternoon instead?

4. Statement by an Image Manager
I took the managers’ competency test last week. I hope that I passed so that I can be eligible for a management position. I hardly studied for it because I’ve been working 60-hr weeks on that big office project.

4. What I’m Really Trying to Say
I hardly studied for it – I’m probably going to fail the test and I don’t want you to think that it’s because I’m not smart enough … it’s really because I didn’t put enough effort into it

Because I’ve been working 60-hr weeks on that big office project – I want you to know that I’m a company guy who is committed to his work

4. Statement by a Free Thinker
I took the managers’ competency test last week. I hope that I passed.

5. Statement by an Image Manager
I can only stay until 9 pm because I try to be in bed by 10 pm since I get up so early … I’m usually up around 5am to spend some quiet time with God before doing going for a run before going to work.

5. What I’m Really Trying to Say
because I try to be in bed by 10 pm since I get up so early … I’m usually up around 5am to spend some quiet time with God before doing going for a run before going to work – I want you to know that I’m a disciplined person who sees the need to spend time with God and also take care of myself physically.

5. Statement by a Free Thinker
I can only stay until 9 pm.

Get the idea?

Listen to yourself speak and see how much is just for controlling what others think about you. You might discover some personal BS, and possibly help eliminate some verbal diarrhea.  LOL

I love you both.

Dad